Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
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the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Succinctly put.