Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
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ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”