Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.