Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
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We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day