Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
u guys got any snacks onboard here
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.