Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
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Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I love snow
– People who never shovel
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.