Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
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Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I’M CRYINGGG