Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
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How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
United Steaks of America
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.