Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
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Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Writing, She Murdered.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.