Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
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Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Solving a traffic jam
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures