@KenJennings: Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said "bc time killed the dinosaurs." My kids are never leaving home are they
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@HispanicIcon: I'm so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I'm going with them.
@Jubafisher: If you're having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex's names tattooed on them.
@SufficientCharm: That burrito didn't agree with me. And then I was like "Why am I arguing with a burrito?!"
@Home_Halfway: The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.