*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
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Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Does this dress make me look cat?
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.