Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
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There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.