@onedavedeep: Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl's girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: "My dad wears shirts like that"
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@TylerFoFyler: I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact.
@PaigeKellerman: I'm never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
@IamEnidColeslaw: if Lindsay Lohan can call herself an artist, I can call myself a german shepherd
@KeetPotato: wife: can you stop messing around lawyer: im not wife: just read my husband's will please lawyer: that's what it says.. "oOoOoh im a ghost"