Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
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When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.