Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
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Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.