[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
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HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself