Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.