@OneFunnyMummy: Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@ShortSleeveSuit: [working at prison coffee shop] I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
@DangOlWill: *Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair's fair here's twenty dollars
@dafloydsta: HER: A man at work saved someone's life today. *flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry* ME: I also have big news.
@onion_an: Therapist: What's the problem? Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things Me [petting a bee]: You're not strange are you Alan