Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
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Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man