Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right