Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
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Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
this came to me in a vision
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.