“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
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Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time