Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Me too
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
LOL
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?