@MrJeberling: Once while eating bacon I said I was "getting piggy with it" and now I have no friends.
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@ImKevinito: I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.
@ElgatoEsmio: [An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor] “Get out of here, NOW!" “Why?” “HAVEN'T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
@Midgetspar: On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they're an 11. It's a fun way to let them know they don't exist and they take it as a compliment.