Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I might carry a baby with one hand.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son