@slennonhugs: once while i was camping in Florida a raccoon got in my car and long story short if you see a raccoon driving a 97 Saturn Wagon DM me
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@sfreeze6: [HR office] HR: you know why you're here, right? Me: HR: you can't "contract" Down's Syndrome & you can't call in sick with it
@candygrlMT: Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don't know what to do with that information.
@Book_Krazy: [playing pictionary] Her: A circle..a ring...a diamond ring...a diamond engagement ring...OMG YES I'LL MARRY YOU! Him: Its a door knocker.
@theshamingofjay: Co-worker: Did you see that play in the Super Bowl? Worst decision ever. Me: Really? Aren't you married?