Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
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When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”