My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
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I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Mummies are just super modest zombies