@badbanana: Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
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@teenpuke: what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce???? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce
@novicefather: My neighbor and I are really close. We call each other things like bro, man, dude, boss... We don't know each other's name.
@Brentweets: I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I'm never going to be popular
@jazmasta: [first day as a doctor] You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how's your diet? [nurse interrupts me] "Dr that's the model skeleton"