Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Is….Is this an option?
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*