@badbanana: Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
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@OhighIsis: Mom called to ask if I'd take her shopping. Me: What time? Mom: Anytime between 1-4. Apparently my Mom works for the cable company now.
@apok842: You lost your phone and it is on silent? Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
@randomnloveit: If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
@TwatWaffler69: Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don't already spend enough time in there with us.