Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
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TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
i really liked this one
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked