One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Finally, a door that understands me
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.