I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
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Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I feel this so hard
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.