Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
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there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
pelicons
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?