Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
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I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.