@novicefather: One bad mushroom trip in high school and here I am 15 years later still sexually attracted to Rosie O'Donnell.
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@LousyBastard: Had sex with my nephew's English teacher. Texted her the next day "Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!" so I don't have to see her again.
@duplicitron: When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now.