I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
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FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
who will stop them
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
handsome & gretel
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.