One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
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People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Otters drive ottermobiles.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.