Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
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Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us