*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
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*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.