Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
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– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.