*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
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[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My inexpensive home security system…
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.