One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
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The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
you will never know the true number of layers
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.