The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
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boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.