“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
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A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
fired
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”