“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
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[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.