My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
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[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.