This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
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Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
*pronounces surface like Versace*
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.