One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
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Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Just parrot things
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD