@OhMrWonka: One day I'm probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
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@jonnysun: WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
@radtoria: if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
@dshack8: So then I said, "Spit on it first, then see if it'll fit." ...And that's why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.