One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
You Might Also Like
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The first one, obviously
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
j o i m p
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh