One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
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[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.