@shariv67: One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit 'add your location' to a tweet.
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@WheelTod: [Date] Her: Any hobbies? Me: Monging mostly. Her: Huh? Me: I'm a monger Her: Huh? Me: Iron, fish, war... You name it -- I'll monger it
@BadJordon: [SPEED DATING] HER: Hi, is this seat free? ME: By all means. HER: *drags chair across room ME: WTF? HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
@thenatewolf: *The doctor hands me my son. I see that he's Asian. I look at my wife* ME: unbelievable WIFE: I tried to tell- ME: the stork flew so far!
@Phook75: If I'm ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC's without singing the song tell my family I loved them