One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.