One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
*has no idea what a book even is*
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What